Archive for April, 2009

Great Public Stunt

April 22, 2009

I have a new found respect for waiters.

April 9, 2009

waiter1

Let me make it clear I have always thought waiters do a tough job with not much thanks, but why this new found respect? Well last weekend was a friends birthday party, a significant birthday might I add, but isn’t every birthday?  Anyway, some very good friends of his decided to host a party for him at theirs and a bunch of us helped out by supplying drinks, glasses, gifts, a huge chocolate cake, merriment and oddly enough copious amounts of spring rolls (you know who you are).

 

The two lovely ladies who took it upon themselves to make sure all went swimmingly got to talking and somehow the idea of ‘door bitches’ being required came up. That morphed into myself and another friend being asked to appear on the night dressed in nothing but black shorts and a bow ties. A few giggly messages followed and before long it dawned on us two volunteers that the ladies were not a kidding…. I was worried if I turned up on the night fully dressed I would be customarily stripped before being allowed entry. So being the game for a laugh I am I agreed to give it ago, but not before making sure I would not being doing it alone, safety in numbers and all that.

 

However, the idea of standing at the door in just a pair of shorts with my legs made me nervous so I was relived when my fellow waiter suggested we be “waiters with a twist”. The twist being we go topless with just a bow tie and some white cuffs, that he had the genius to make, and I wore some leather trousers while he wore some fetching pvc ones with rather strategically placed zips. Well the outfits went down a storm but I am not so sure about the level of service we gave!

 

The idea was we greeted people as they arrived, my fellow waiter had to get them to sign the birthday boy’s card and all I had to do was usher them into the party and give them a welcome cocktail. Now let me just say everyone did indeed sign the card (well done fellow waiter), but ashamedly I have to admit not everyone got their welcome cocktail. Seriously all I had to do was say “hello welcome to the party, can I offer you a welcome cocktail”… easy as that, but no one briefed me on the fact that not everyone would simply say yes. Some actually asked for an alternative drink!? Red wine, water, white wine, fizz, my head was spinning, and oh dear god “where is the red wine?” I completely forgot what the cocktail was so when people asked me I either made a name up or just said “it’s alcohol darling don’t be so precious”. Who knew meet and greet could be so stressful?

 

Still I did get my bum pinched (or was that the hostesses dog biting my bum) and a few offers of work ‘at the end of the night” so maybe I didn’t do to bad after all…..

 

Is the much-derided new Pepsi logo all that bad?

April 9, 2009

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Ok I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it and it certainly would not put me off buying the product. However some of the vitriolic ramblings of many about the logo clearly is a good sign that there is a lot of passion for the brand. Surely people would not be so worked up about the change if they did not care for the brand, the Pepsi challenge is all about tapping into that passion in order to drive loyalty and perhaps one way is demonstrate that they listen to their consumers and admit they are wrong.

 

On a side note, I would love to see the focus groups they did for the designs….

Are you ready to be a parent?

April 6, 2009

 FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

  Test 1 – Preparation

  Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

  1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
  2. Leave it there.
  3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

  Men: To prepare for children:-

  1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet
  onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
  2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
  directly to their head office.
  3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last
  time.

  Test 2 – Knowledge

  Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about

  their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
  low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children
  to run wild. Suggest ways in which
  they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet
  training, table manners and overall behavior.

  Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will

  have all the answers.

  Test 3 – Nights

  To discover how the nights will feel:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a
  wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned
  to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and
  go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room
  until 1am.
  4. Set the alarm for 3am.
  5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
  cup of tea.
  6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
  7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
  9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  10. Make breakfast.

  Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

  Test 4 – Dressing Small Children

  1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no
  arms hang out.

  Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

  Test 5 – Cars

  1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
  2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
  compartment. Leave it there.
  3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back
  seat.
  5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

  Test 6 – Going For a Walk

  Wait
  Go out the front door
  Come back in again
  Go out
  Come back in again
  Go out again
  Walk down the front path
  Walk back up it
  Walk down it again
  Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about
  every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
  along the way.
  Retrace your steps
  Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
  neighbours come out and stare at you.
  Give up and go back into the house.

  Test 7

  Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

  Test 8 – Grocery Shopping
  1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
  thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat
  is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
  more than one goat.
  2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out
  of your sight.
  3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

  Test 9 – Feeding a 1 year-old
  1. Hollow out a melon
  2. Make a small hole in the side
  3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to
  side
  4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon
  them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an
  aeroplane.
  5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
  6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
  falls on the floor.

  Test 10 – TV

  1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles,
  Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
  2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

  Test 11 – Mess

  Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
  curtains
  2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all
  summer.
  3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on
  clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that
  look?
  4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto
  the floor & leave it there.

  Test 12 – Long Trips with Toddlers

  1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly.
  Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each
  Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a
  supersonic jet.

  2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next
  4 years.

  Test 13 – Conversations

  1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
  2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or
  shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

  Test 14 – Getting ready for work

  1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
  2. Put on your finest work attire.
  3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
  4. Stir
  5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
  6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
  7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
  8. Do not change (you have no time).
  9. Go directly to work

  You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!