Are you ready to be a parent?


  Test 1 – Preparation

  Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

  1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
  2. Leave it there.
  3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

  Men: To prepare for children:-

  1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet
  onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
  2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
  directly to their head office.
  3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last

  Test 2 – Knowledge

  Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about

  their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
  low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children
  to run wild. Suggest ways in which
  they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet
  training, table manners and overall behavior.

  Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will

  have all the answers.

  Test 3 – Nights

  To discover how the nights will feel:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a
  wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned
  to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and
  go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room
  until 1am.
  4. Set the alarm for 3am.
  5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
  cup of tea.
  6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
  7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
  9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  10. Make breakfast.

  Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

  Test 4 – Dressing Small Children

  1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no
  arms hang out.

  Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

  Test 5 – Cars

  1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
  2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
  compartment. Leave it there.
  3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back
  5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

  Test 6 – Going For a Walk

  Go out the front door
  Come back in again
  Go out
  Come back in again
  Go out again
  Walk down the front path
  Walk back up it
  Walk down it again
  Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about
  every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
  along the way.
  Retrace your steps
  Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
  neighbours come out and stare at you.
  Give up and go back into the house.

  Test 7

  Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

  Test 8 – Grocery Shopping
  1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
  thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat
  is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
  more than one goat.
  2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out
  of your sight.
  3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

  Test 9 – Feeding a 1 year-old
  1. Hollow out a melon
  2. Make a small hole in the side
  3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to
  4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon
  them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an
  5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
  6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
  falls on the floor.

  Test 10 – TV

  1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles,
  Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
  2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

  Test 11 – Mess

  Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
  2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all
  3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on
  clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that
  4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto
  the floor & leave it there.

  Test 12 – Long Trips with Toddlers

  1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly.
  Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each
  Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a
  supersonic jet.

  2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next
  4 years.

  Test 13 – Conversations

  1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
  2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or
  shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

  Test 14 – Getting ready for work

  1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
  2. Put on your finest work attire.
  3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
  4. Stir
  5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
  6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
  7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
  8. Do not change (you have no time).
  9. Go directly to work

  You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!


Tags: , ,

4 Responses to “Are you ready to be a parent?”

  1. Karen Ibbotson Says:

    Very funny – and unfortunately very true. Thankfully, I have passed the 5 year test with child still alive though my sanity is somewhat diminished. 🙂

  2. Stephanie Merrell Says:

    The octopus made me laugh! Paul and I clearly have so much to look forward to. The Wiggles are banned though…although I suspect they will infest at some point. la la la ‘Do-ro-th-y the di-no-sau-r’ la la la

    Oh and can i add a positive one to the list?…wake up tired, a bit grumpy, go into the nursery, see baby relaxing in the cot and talking to themselves (or their hand!), and then feel the enormous surge of love when they see you and then smile the biggest smile, giggle and wiggle their arms and legs soooooo fast. awww, it’s the best wake up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: