Who wants to be a daddy?

Actually I do, and I am putting this out there as a way of trying to tempt fate into it actually happening. I turn 40 this year and I feel time might not be on my side for too much longer. Now I know guys are lucky in that they can become fathers rather later in life, but that is not something I want to do, I think my 40’s is late enough for me.

This is not a mid-life crisis where I have woken up one day and thought, ‘Oh my God I want to be a father!’, I have always known that I want to be a parent. It is hard to explain just how it feels, but I am sure many people out there will know what I mean by that. I guess it has been this innate yearning inside of me for as long as I can remember. It goes way back to when I was 18 and a good friend of mine got pregnant, it kicked something into gear inside me that said “I want this” and that feeling has never really gone ever since. It has been stronger at certain times than at others, but it has always been there under the surface, in the back of my mind, just there. Over the years I think I believed all messages in society and the media that told me gay men (and women) should not or could not be parents. I simply assumed that as a gay man I had no right to be a father, unlike all the straight men I knew, regardless of their ‘potential’ to be a good or bad parent. But that feeling of wanting to become a dad just never went away, and when I turned 30 not only did I get very broody, I also got a little angry that I had allowed society to convince me that I had no right to realise this dream. By now this yearning had become a physical ache, and being around my friends with children got harder and harder. I decided I would make it happen, or at least make some serious headway into exploring the opportunities I might have.

I initially looked into surrogacy, because that seemed like the best solution for me as a single guy. But, I always came back to the same thing; I never really wanted to do it on my own, I wanted to share the joy, pain, disappointments, hard times and good times etc. I also have this idea that any child I have ought to know who his or her parents are, so that was another reason for me not to go down that path. In the end this was an option I decided against.

After some time I joined a couple of support networks for lesbian and gay people who are already parents, trying to become parents or just thinking about it. My main reason for joining initially was to meet likeminded people and affirm that I was not some freak for wanting this so badly. I met few female couples who were keen for me to be a ‘sperm donor’ but who were not looking for anything more than that. As I have said I want to be involved and know my child and have my child know me. Eventually I was lucky in that I met a great couple who were looking for the same, someone to help them co-parent not just a sperm donor. Unfortunately after a couple of years and some devastating miscarriages we stopped trying.

I thought that was it for me, I genuinely believed that I had missed my chance and that it might be time to give up on this dream, but fate stepped in and has offered me another chance. I could not believe my luck when I met a fantastic woman that shared the same dream as me and was looking for the same thing, after much thought and talk we came to an agreement to become parents together. She and I have started that journey together, not as a ‘couple’ in the traditional sense, but we are in a partnership in that we hope to be parents together. Yes, in an ideal world you would have a partner (some would say husband or wife) to do all this with, but sometimes the ideal just does not happen and you need to make things happen for yourself in other ways.

I know I will be criticised for being so egotistical in my desire and action to become a parent, but isn’t there an element of that in everyone that wants to be a parent even if they are straight and married? Surely the key thing is that any child you have is loved and cared for, what does it matter ‘how’ you have that child?


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20 Responses to “Who wants to be a daddy?”

  1. Karen Ibbotson Says:

    That’s a beautiful blog and one that I know is heartfelt – thank you for sharing. My daughter loves being with you – especially when you share the secret of drawing on the walls how tall you, she and her toys are and I don’t notice for weeks afterwards!!! Oh, how she giggled – then blamed you! I think you’ll be a fantastic father and hope too that this is your year for it!

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Karen, thanks for such lovely words, they mean a hell of a lot to me… And as for drawing on the wall it was not my idea, it was ‘our’ idea, giver Edie a big hug from me 😉

  2. Helen Wilson Says:

    I love the blog Colin and wish you the very best. Everyone deserves to be a parent and I really hope it works out for you.

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Thank you Helen, it’s good to know there are nice people out there that support me desire to do this 😉

  3. Allan English Says:

    Knowing some of this already, I’m thrilled to hear that you have a second opportunity to become a father. And you hit the nail on the head with your last couple of lines. I child cannot have too many people that love him/her. And it’s not just the parents, it’s the grandparents, aunts & uncles and other friends who not only bring love but receive love. It’s a wonderful thing and I wish you the very best of luck.

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      thanks Allan and I am sure you are a great dad, you gave me real confidence when we talked about it all that time ago so thanks for that

  4. Chris Paxton Says:

    Hey Colin,

    What a really moving blog post mate. Fantastic news that you have another opportunity – I hope it all works out for you. Being a parent is amazing (well most of the time anyway!). Good luck with it all and fingers crossed for you both

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Thanks Chris, by the time it happens for me you will be well practiced so would make a great babysitter 😉

  5. hikkirocks Says:

    Hey Colin, I occasionally still check your blog. Anyway I was so touched by this entry I had to comment. I think it’s beautiful and courageous what you’re doing and wish you (and your parenting partner) best of luck with the journey.

    Meanwhile I’ll settle for being a proud uncle of my niece and nephew for now!


  6. Jo Lindop Says:

    I am looking forward to being an Aunty


  7. matt algar Says:

    I am so glad that you have not given up on your dream, I know how hard things have been over the years to come to terms with your desire to become a father. Seeing you with our children over the years I know must have been hard for you at times but for us it only reinforced the fact that any child born to you will have not only a wonderful father who will always be there for them no matter what; but someone who will enrich their lives like you have for me!!. I truely hope things work out for you two soon.

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Matt I love you and your family unconditionally, you have given me the love and support I need to be who I am right from day one x

  8. Todd St Vrain Says:

    Thanks for sharing Colin. There’s nothing more that I want than to have a family and it’s good to know other gay men share the dream and some are actually getting to live it!

    I too would much rather raise children with a life partner. I admire what you are doing but I’ve decided that co-parenting is not for me, as the risks seem high for a break down in the relationship/partnership between the parents. But one of my best friends is a co-parent with a lesbian couple and they have two kids together and even a beach house. So I hope it’s a rewarding experience for you.

    I’ve decided to fill my need for kids as a mentor in the Big Brother Big Sister program. Being 42 I worry time is running out for me and think about long-term fostering.

    Good luck on the journey! Todd

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Thank you for your support Todd, and keep up the great work with the Big Brother program it’s such a good scheme

  9. Richard McMorn Says:

    Hi Colin

    I’ve just started reading your blogs and felt compelled to comment on this one. Becoming a father has tortured my mind for years. Having being brought up in an environment where your told being gay is wrong and being gay parents is a digrace its a concept that I admit I struggle to come to terms with.

    However when i met my (now ex) partner 4 years ago not only did I know I loved him but i knew I wanted to be a dad with him. We often talked about kids, names etc .. but mainly how on earth we would actually get them. Both of us having an overwhlming urge to ‘spread our seed’ we decided that adoption would be best, but in years to come.

    As soon as we hit trouble I wasn’t so much concerned about the breaking up of a relationship, or that we wouldn’t be parents together…. instead I was hit with an overwhelming urge to be a single Dad. I even woke up the other morning yearning to have a child to look after. I often wonder if gay men feel lost and struggle with a sense of purpose? Perhaps that’s why so many of want to look after something or someone….. anywa, i’ve started a new adventure in australia now so will shelve the thoughts for a whie.

    Great blog colin, thanks for posting it!

    • macarthursmutterings Says:

      Richard, this is such a great comment, you sum up a lot of how I used to feel and I am sure lots of other men feel the same way, I think it is a biological yearning that we have to procreate regardless of ones sexuality… society just needs to catch up with that fact though

  10. Who wants to be a daddy Part 2… « MacArthur's Mutterings Says:

    […] Who wants to be a daddy Part 2… Can you believe it was back in May last year that I posted this about my desire to become a dad: https://macarthursmutterings.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/who-wants-to-be-a-daddy/ […]

  11. Who wants to be a daddy Part 4 « MacArthur's Mutterings Says:

    […] wrote a little while back about how the family I was looking to create is a somewhat modern family, and although I had a […]

  12. Who wants to be a daddy Part 3 | MacArthur's Mutterings Says:

    […] postings relating to this topic: Part 1, Part […]

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